perfectionism.

Perfectionism.  

It causes me to want everything to be just so.  Everyone to be just so.  Myself to be just so.

Just so what?  I guess, just so the way I think it should be.  

What makes me the expert?  I'm not entirely sure.  I've just always grown up thinking that I was.  Self-confident?  I guess.  A good 'self-esteem'? On the surface.   I was taught all about that in school, and by my parents.  Not afraid to tackle any new project.  Not afraid to give out advice as though I was the expert- on everything.

Unfortunately, I was never satisfied, because this idea of perfect that saturates everything in my mind is unattainable.  No one person will ever live up to it.  No cashier will be my perfect cashier, no child the perfect child, no husband the perfect man, no doctor, no dentist, no teacher, no driver in the lane beside me...   For some reason, I have always been able judge all of these people, as if I knew all there was involved in being a doctor or a dentist or even anything at all about their own personal lives.  

And myself.... my poor little self that hides inside always trying to live up to these ideas of the perfect wife, mother, homeschooler, catholic.  Only since I have  begun to really listen to the Real Perfect in the world, have I been able to breath a little easier and relax and learn to be in process.

The problem: I always just wanted to BE perfect.  

Now I realize that I have to become perfect.  

And I suppose I have to learn that everyone around me is on that journey too.

Not just my version of perfect either.  A perfect version of perfect that is beyond anything I could come up with.  Yes, it might involve clean floors and organized cupboards, and freezers full of precooked meals... but it also involves love, sacrifice, generosity, kindness and a lot of flexibility and patience.

Subtle, but it makes a world of difference in how I approach my day.  

It matters not if you fall a thousand times, as long as you love the fight and not the fall. It therefore makes no sense to get discouraged, especially when you fight alongside Christ. The effort that a sustained battle entails can be more pleasing to Christ than a cozy victory achieved at no cost (From a letter of Fr. Maciel,July 18, 1975, Founder of the Legionaries of Christ and Regnum Christi).