I am by nature a control freak -- just ask my husband -- and so I have this innate need to control everything, plan things and always know what is happening next. I can see this same trait in my little kindergartener who always wants to know what we're doing, where we're going, and what's for lunch, breakfast dinner and desert (all before 9am). Anyways, it's stressful and can be a great source of anxiety for me when things stop going according to my plans... when I can't see what will happen in the future (like if a kid gets sick, or I don't know how to do a task I am supposed to do, or if 3 people need me at the same time as I'm trying to make dinner etc...).
Ever since I got married, I've been trying to make myself into this gentle, kind, loving wife and mother who always puts others above herself, is never selfish and is, in a word, holy. It seems the harder I try, the harder it gets, and the more I try, the more I fight against the good that I want to become. On the outside I might look like a perfect mom/wife (right?? LOL), but all you'd have to do is spend an hour here during dinner preparations, or in the morning when we're late for church to see that I haven't quite got there yet!! (why is it always the ones we love the most that are the most difficult to be kind to?)
This morning, while taking some quiet time alone in my room, I read a beautiful passage from a book that gave me great peace. It's from Reflections on Faith (known in the USA as The Gift of Faith) by Father Tadeusz Dajczer.
If you feel strong in your natural abilities, your faith cannot develop and deepen. That is why you have to experience your weakness; you have to realize that you cannot do some things. This will be the call to faith. Your weakness, inability, and helplessness will become like a crack through which the grace of faith will squeeze into your heart. Through our injuries, God gives us the grace of deepening our faith...
Blessed are the Poor in Spirit.. for theirs in the Kingdom of Heaven (Mt 5:3). Only when we acknowledge, in the spirit of faith, our own helplessness, do we become poor in spirit and allow the power of God to act within us.
Children come so naturally to this don't they? They know they can't do everything... they know that they can't beat the bad guys, stop the thunder storms, and fix the broken toys. That's why they reach out to us.. and ultimately why they have such an easier time believing in God.
Today I realized something very profound... I've been going in the wrong direction all along. Instead of trying to grow up and make myself into this perfect person, I should have been trying to become more like a child and fall back into that trust I once had in the things above. Yet another thing my children are teaching me in our home school.